Loneliness After 50: Real Ways We Found Connection
Loneliness after 50 can sneak up on you more than once in life, and it definitely did for me.
There have been times in my life when I felt profoundly lonely. Most of those times were during my marriage to my abusive ex. He strategically isolated me from the few family members and friends I had by convincing me to move across the country. Anytime I tried to make friends, he would pick a fight with them, or with me about them.
I was thankful that he was the lead singer in a band and insisted I go to all his gigs. I realized later this was just another ploy to keep me in his sight, but the silver lining was that I actually became friends with a couple of his regular fans. However, when I left him for the last time, I had to go no contact.
I was glad to finally start finding myself again. In hindsight, a big reason I felt so lonely was that I had lost myself. Maybe I was missing myself, too. But once I started getting back on my feet, a different type of loneliness crept in. It was hard to meet and make new friends, and when I tried, some people wanted nothing to do with me or my past. That made me feel worse.
Why Loneliness After 50 Hits Differently
By the time we hit our 50s, most of us are not making friends the way we did in school or in our twenties. There is no built in group of people showing up at the same place every day. Friendships take more intention now, and that catches a lot of people off guard when loneliness after 50 shows up.
For me, it was not just about being new somewhere. It was about rebuilding an identity at the same time I was trying to rebuild a social life. Those two things kept getting tangled up together, and I think that is true for a lot of people dealing with loneliness after 50, whether it comes from divorce, loss, retirement, or a move.
Eventually, I started figuring out my own values and setting a plan for my life goals, which I reached within a year. Part of that was joining a hiking group and a cycling group, where I started developing friendships one person at a time. It did not happen all at once. It happened because I kept showing up, even when loneliness after 50 made it tempting to stay home instead.
Building Friendships After 50, One Person at a Time
After Terry and I got married, we combined the friendships we were each building. We became especially close to his dog walking group and our cycling group. For a while, it felt like we had finally landed somewhere steady.
Then life did what it does. When we decided to move from California to Washington, we had to leave our friends again. You can catch the full story behind that decision in our video, “California to Washington Arbitrage” on our YouTube channel.
Both Terry and I had already lost friendships from our individual divorces before we even met. Now that we are in Washington, it hits me that I am going through the stage of making friends all over again. Not because something went wrong this time, just because that is what starting over asks of you sometimes.
Real Ways We Found Connection
I am taking some of my own advice from our latest video on this topic. If you are dealing with loneliness after 50 right now, here is what has actually helped us, more than once:
- Join something with a repeat schedule. A group that meets weekly, like a hiking club, a cycling group, or a class, does the work of putting you in front of the same people again and again. Friendship needs repetition before it needs chemistry.
- Let go of instant connection as the goal. Not everyone you meet will become a close friend, and that is fine. The goal is showing up consistently, not finding your person on day one.
- Say yes before you feel ready. I did not feel confident when I joined that first hiking group. I went anyway. Confidence came after, not before.
- Expect some people to say no. Some people wanted nothing to do with me or my past when I was rebuilding the first time. That said more about their comfort than my worth. It stung, but it did not stop me.
- Give it real time. My plan took a year to fully pay off. Friendship after 50 is rarely instant, and that does not mean it is not working.
None of this erases how lonely the in between stretch can feel. But loneliness after 50 does not mean something is wrong with you or your timing. It usually just means you are between one chapter of connection and the next.
You Do Not Have to Figure This Out Alone
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not behind and you are not the only one dealing with loneliness after 50 at this stage. We put together a simple guide with steps for the first days of starting over, the same kind of groundwork that helped me get back on my feet. You can grab it here: The First 7 Days Guide.
I do not know exactly who my next close friend will be, but I know I will keep showing up until I find out.
~ Donna, Co-Founder at Rebuild With Clarity
